Engineering Ardor
An initial foray into the nexus between the many worlds that reside in my imagination. Comments on daily life in the multiverse. Occasional wisdom. Candid observations. Popcorn.

Tendonitis Was NOT On My List

June 14th, 2009 by jervis

We put in an orchard several weeks back, which involved clearing land and then digging seven holes in hard clay.  Part of the job was completed with a shovel, but below the first six inches, there was nothing but solid clay and rock.  Excavating this required a sledge hammer and a three foot long steel rod.  By the end of the day, my arm was tired.  The next day, my arm was sore.  Now, six weeks later, my arm is incapable of doing simple things like lifting a salt shaker, firmly grasping another human being’s hand, or brush my teeth with any grace.

I went to the doctor on Friday after multiple suggestions by my loving wife.  I received a steroid shot (darn it, there goes my chance at being a pro-football player), some painkillers, some muscle relaxants and a stern warning from the doctor not to lift anything heavy.  Swordfighting is right out.  Using my right arm is frowned upon.   Enter the weekend to-do list.

It is impossible to do anything when you are right handed and you aren’t supposed to use your arm.  Let me be more precise.  It is impossible to NOT do anything when you are right handed and aren’t supposed to use your arm.  I DIDN’T not use my right arm about two hundred times this weekend, in spite of all the friends and helpers trying to keep me from doing anything.

And, regardless of my weakness, all the pain, and all the admonitions NOT to do (whatever I was doing)…we got a LOT accomplished.  We sanded and stained five sets of pavillion poles for the new household pavillions (the pavillions are new, not the household).  We drilled, strapped, canvased and painted seven Scuti shields, we cut out, ironed, and sewed half the seams on fourteen war tabards for Pennsic war, and we fixed, strapped, padded, built or made a number of old and new armor pieces.  Oh…and I made eighteen pair of earrings.  (I was sitting idle at the time and the painkillers were doing their job).

Of all the things that I tend to put on a to-do list….getting tendonitis was definitely NOT one of them…

Top Ten Reasons Why Lowe’s is Better Than Peshawar

June 14th, 2009 by jervis

A quirky colleague of mine made an odd comment at work on Friday.  He suggested that home improvement stores (we were actually talking about Lowe’s) were exasperating to him and that, in fact, he was far more comfortable in a place like Peshawar, Pakistan.  I responded as follows.    “I don’t see how Lowe’s can be exasperating.    In fact, I can think of at least ten reasons why shopping in Lowe’s is better than being in Peshawar.

10)  The dirtiest section of Lowe’s is cleaner than the cleanest section of Peshawar.

9) You can actually drink the water in Lowe’s without getting sick.

8) The public bathrooms in Lowe’s are free to use, the private bathrooms in Peshawar are free from sanitation.

7) You seldom have to say “What is your best price?” in a Lowe’s.

6) Forklifts coming at you in Lowe’s have signals, trucks coming at you in Peshawar have explosives.

5) You don’t have to marry into the plumbing section at Lowe’s in order to truly know what is going on there.

4) More than half the Lowe’s employees speak English and only a few speak Urdu or Pashto.  In Peshawar, the opposite is true.

3) At Lowe’s, pipes, fertilizer and fuel cans are not used to make suicide vests, IEDs or explosives.

2) If you go out the back door of a Lowe’s you are in the garden center, if you go out a back door in Peshawar you are in big trouble.

1)  You usually don’t need an armed escort to go to Lowe’s.”

Feel free to add reasons…


When the Mortgage is Paid

June 14th, 2009 by jervis

Life apparently revolves around this key phrase.  Everything will be better when the mortgage is paid.  I won’t have to sork so much when the mortgage is paid.  I’ll be able to really get on with life when the mortgage is paid.  Keep in mind that I am in my mid-forties and have about 25 more years to pay off the mortgage.  Hoo-Boy!  Life is really going to begin once I turn 70 and that mortgage is paid…

Life has to begin now.  There is always something standing in the way:  the mortgage, saving for college, preparing for some work- or hobby-related event.  Life is too short to wait until any particular event is complete.  Life is only as good as you make it.

I will stop making excuses for not getting things done.

I will stop making excuses for not writing in this blog.

I will pay off the mortgage sooner so life can begin!  :-)

If I could just see a few hundred thousand T-shirts…this would all be a moot point.   :-)

Here we go again…

It’s In The (Donut) Bag

February 4th, 2009 by jervis

Occasionally on my way to work, if I have a few extra minutes, I stop and get a donut and coffee from Dunkin Donuts.  I stress the word occasionally for those who know that my doctor believes me close to obese (at 71″ and 190).  Today was one of those days.

Normally, I take the old crumpled up donut bag from the floor of the car and throw it away in the trash can outside of Dunkin Donuts before I go in.  Today however, I noticed that for some reason, the last time I splurged for Vitamin O (donuts), I had folded the donut bag neatly on the floor of the car as though I planned to recycle it.  Recycle it!  What a great idea!

I went inside the Dunkin Donuts and ordered a donut and coffee, but I handed my neatly folded bag to the lady behind the counter.   “Here,” I said, “no sense wasting a bag every time I come in here.  Use the bag from last time and help save the environment.”  She laughed and took the bag from me.

“Thank you sir,” she said, “in this economy that’s a good thing.”

“What a good idea!” the person in line behind me said.

“Yeah!” the person behind them said.

I got my donut and coffee and left the shop listening to all the people talk about how they would recyle their bags in the future.

Wow, I thought.   I’ve started a movement.   Soon everybody that goes into this Dunkin Donuts shop will recyle their donut bags, then they’ll tell their friends and it will move to other neighborhoods and other countries and…Wow!  Even though Dunkin donuts uses recycled paper, there will be less demand for recycled paper and the factory that makes donut bags can use the recycled paper to make something else that might have taken new paper which takes old trees and…Wow!  I may have just begun a movement that will save the rainforests and WOW!!!  What if no one ever gets a NEW bag again!  I may have found the beginning to a solution to GLOBAL WARMING!

I ate my donut.

I drove for a while thinking about how I had just saved the world.

I drank my coffee.

The sugar and caffeine hit my bloodstream and brain at about the same moment.

OH NO!!!  What have I done?  What if the company that makes paper bags for Dunkin Donuts doesn’t get enough orders?  They may have to cut back on bag-making and fire a few people.  Then they probably won’t order the new bag-making machines from the U.S. Acme Bag Manufacturing Machine Company which will cause USABMMC stock to fall and more employees to get pinks slips.  Then the steel and plastic and rubber and computer component suppliers that make all the parts and widgets and gadgets and gears and cutters and folders and benders and gluers for USABMMC won’t have enough orders to keep their businesses going and then THEY will have to fire MORE employees.  Then those raw materials factories will shut down and the steel miners won’t have any jobs and the plastic pourers and moulders will be out of work and the rubber plantations will have to close and the computer component manufacturers will shut down which will cause the computer designers to lose jobs and 7,000 people (that seems to be the number lately) will LOSE THEIR JOBS because of my selfish recycling of that donut bag!  The Economy will never recover if I don’t get the bag that I have coming!!  Give me my bag and keep your jobs America!!!

Ok.  That does it.  The next time I get a donut, I want it double-bagged.  This economy has GOT to recover.  I am thinking WAY too much about it.

Inter-Kingdom Fighter Practice

January 28th, 2009 by jervis

I went to Delaware on Saturday to participate in an Inter-kingdom fighter practice.   It was a good day, though like most practices, it reminded me how long I’ve been doing this and how uhm….wise…I am getting.

My brain remembers all the things that I just can’t get my tired self to do.  The good news is, I can still remember how to help tell others what they are or are not doing well.   Small mercies I suppose.

Stefan and I spent the drive in both directions talking mostly about all the things we need to get to have a full unit on the field.   We calculated materials and armor requirements, weapons we need, sources for the best prices.  Syr Cian and I are going to field a household unit at Pennsic…

Watch for the pictorial updates…

Compulsion and Obsessiveness

January 28th, 2009 by jervis

A new bead catalog arrived today but I’m not going to look at it.

Ok, I looked at it, but I’m not going to pick it up.

Ok, Ok, I picked it up, but I am definitely not going to open it.

On page 55 are some incredible shell shaped gold beads that…oh…you caught me.

I’m just looking though, I have absolutely no intention of placing an order.

At least not a big order.

I mean, just a few packages….a few dozen packages….a few dozen dozen packages is not a big order right?

A BIG order would be like one package of everything.

Hang on.  The discount on that would be…

I wonder what TWO packages of everything would cost?

That would be pretty compulsive though right?   And absolutely positively completely obsessive.    So I won’t order two packages of everything.

Now that I’m not ordering two packages of everything…ONE package of everything doesn’t seem so bad.  Right?

Maybe I just need to put this company on speed dial…

Resolved. Not Much Actually.

January 21st, 2009 by jervis

I always think that I am going to get more accomplished than I actually do.   Close friends are always telling me that I don’t sit still very well and that I get an incredible amount of things accomplished, but that is only because they haven’t seen the full extent of my mental to-do list.

I jokingly refer to my main list as a “Honey-do” list, but as Heather has rightly pointed out in the past, much of what is on my list wasn’t put there by my Honey.   I’ve posted one of my lists here in the past to give you some idea of all the things going on in my life, but in truth, that is just the short, public list.  The actual list is longer.  Much, much longer.  Yet, I don’t seem to get half of what is on the list accomplished and I have so many projects and due-outs that at times I fear I will never complete them all.

I did make resolutions this year.   I resolve that I will write more.  I say that every year and do in fact tend to write more than I did the year before.   It takes three or four existential posts before I actually say anything worth writing, so the more I write, the better chance that there will be something here that someone wants to read.  You may have noticed.

I resolve that I will get in shape.   I say that every year and if you want to get technical I am always in some shape by the end of the year.   I would prefer if there were a bit less of my shape by the end of this year however, since the doctor tells me I am nearly obese.  (No really, my first visit to a civilian doctor and I learn that although I was wearing the same Mess Dress uniform as a Colonel that I wore as  Lieutenant, I am somehow overweight.  More on that later if someone reminds me.

I resolve to be a better person.   There’s another long list of projects I may never finish.  Perhaps a name-tag that says “work in progress?”

I resolve to come to resolution on the basement before my wife really does chain me down there.

I resolve to end this list of resolutions.

Another New Addiction…er…Hobby

January 12th, 2009 by jervis

It’s all my friend Heather’s fault.  Really.  When my computer died and I was floundering for something to do…because I don’t have thirty other projects that need to be done, I noticed that she had made some jewelry and put it on our craft site.

“Hmmm,” I thought.   “I’ve never made anything like that…I’ll bet I could though.”  So I went to Michael’s Crafts and bought a few things.   By the following weekend I had made nine trips to Michael’s and had put together a dozen or so necklaces and a heap of memory wire bracelets.  I began to research more medieval and rennaissance period patterns and colors for necklaces and was collecting Michael’s coupons from wherever I could find them.

Then the evil…I mean malevolent…I mean wonderful Heather, told me about a bead company online.  I made an order for…twenty-eight pounds of beads.  Subsequently I made a somewhat larger order.   I am waiting for my fourth order to arrive sometime this week.  I will tell you more about this amazing company after you have fully comprended the extent of my addict…hobby….HOBBY.  It’s just another Hobby.

Here for your viewing pleasure is a picture of the last few weeks worth of handiwork.  No spare moment left unbeaded…

Over 150 Necklaces in the past few weeks...that's just a hobby right?

Over 150 Necklaces in the past few weeks...that's just a hobby right?

All New For 2009 and Where the Heck Have I Been?

January 8th, 2009 by jervis

Happy New Year to those that are keeping track of the days.  I know many of you just plod along from one week to the next and may not have noticed the change.  I’m hoping that includes many of you.  Then you won’t notice how long it has been since I posted last.  I have a few excuses that I will get to shortly, but I did want to put in writing the same resolution that I did last year, namely, to write more.  Once I have that mental pressure perhaps I will get back into the swing of things.  I have so much to cover in any case.  Now, on to the excuses.

I traveled since my last post.   I traveled a lot.   One trip took me to India, Pakistan and Afghanistan.  Another took me to Korea, Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, Abu Dhabi, Afghanistan (again) and Kuwait.  Shortly after I arrived home from the first trip, which would have been late September, I found that my computer was fried.  Completely fried.  I called in experts.

Three incredible geek friends (these are incredible friends who happen to be computer geeks, not friends who happen to be incredible geeks.  Just clarifying since they all put on armor and hit people with sticks) came over and looked at it.  They poked and prodded and jiggered and moved cables and fiddled with knobs.  (Not that there are knobs on my computer, but fans of Black Adder will appreciate the reference).   They went to the DOS prompt and put in complex words and slashes and other symbols that were unintelligable to me.    AFter each input they watched the results and collectively muttered.  They looked like three surgeons working on a terminal patient.  It was NOT good.  I began to think when the first one started to nervously edge away from the computer and distance himself from the other two, that the patient was going to die.  When the second came back and nodded to the first then look hopelessly at the third who still tried to resucsitate the patient, I was certain there would be a funeral.  “It’s fried,” they collectively agreed.

I spent weeks mourning the loss.  I finally decided to buy a new gaming computer so I went to the Dell site and looked at their top end gaming systems.  This was obviously before the stock market crashed and I lost…well…I don’t want to talk about it.   I spent thirty minutes deciding what I wanted then bit the bullet and ordered a new computer, or so I thought.  Once I hit the “continue” button I found that I had to fill out “options” for the computer.  Each option had links to explain why I wanted whatever it was offering.   You know, you click on the “Illudium 238 Space Modulator” button and it explains how this will help keep rabbits out of your hard drive and assist you in attracting hot martian chicks.  There were sixteen pages of options if I recall.  It took me over an hour to get to the credit card page, by which point the system had timed out and I got an error screen.  It was late at night and I wasn’t thrilled, so I didn’t buy the computer.

The market crashed and it wasn’t a good time to buy a new computer so I took up a new hobby…more on that in a follow on post, though I will say in advance that Heather is an evil…I mean a wonderful influence.

I went on my second trip and decided that I might never get a new computer.  Just before I went on my trip however, my lovely wife called in an international specialist from Holland.  That is to say, the most incredible computer geek friend I have flew in from Holland to fix my computer.  Ok, he flew in from Holland for some training, but while he was here he fixed my computer.   (I like the way it sounds the first way better).   The computer runs fine now, though there is a big plastic bag full of parts (I’m not kidding) that he said I really didn’t need and could probably sell (so why were they there in the first place?).   So soon, when I get back into a routine, and break away from my new habit, I mean hobby, I will begin to write again, several times a week.

Did you hear that?  Several times a week.  I plan to write several times a week.  If you are close, nag me.  Really.

Happy New Year

Best Buy Makes Amends and Other Words of Wonder

September 28th, 2008 by jervis

While many of you are still hanging around waiting to find out what happens to the stalwart Colonel in the nexus, I apologize, I will get back to that as soon as possible. In the meantime however, I thought I should ensure that you knew the end of the story on the Best Buy Saga that I’ve been blogging about.

The nice lady from Best Buy corporate sent me an email telling me that everything had been fixed, and the store called my back to say the computer was ready for pick-up, about five days after I turned it in. (Note that this is slightly longer than the guaranteed 72 hours). If I wasn’t satisfied, she said, the store would exchange the computer or give me store credit in spite of the return policy.

I arrived at the store after work, and as I approached the Geek Squad counter, a geek (professional title, not a slur) was standing behind the counter staring at the door. As I approached the counter he said, in a tone of voice that hinted at having said the same thing over and over for some time, “Are you Mr. Jervis?”

“I am.”

He sighed relief then turned like Vanna White to show me the computer, my daughter’s computer, on display behind him. It was connected to a printer and the internet, and he quickly showed me that all the programs worked, though he explained how many drivers they had to download and how the settings had been changed to allow running of older programs. He showed me a test page, then printed another for good measure. He surfed the web briefly.

“Is there anything else you’d like to see, Mr. Jervis?”

“No, I think that will do it.”

He began to disconnect the computer and get it ready for me to take away, then handed me back all of the programs that I had brought in. As he worked I stood there being further annoyed, but keeping it in check. All the talk about how this operating system would not run older programs, and how there was nothing that could be done, and how I had to understand that there would be a period of transition from programs that ran on older systems to newer systems, had been…well…wrong. They had managed to get everything to work, in spite of the number of geeks who had told me they couldn’t. They just needed a gentle corporate push in the right direction.

How much trouble could I have been saved if the manager had just interceded to allay my concerns in the first place?

I applaud Best Buy corporate for interceding in my dilemma after-the-fact, but I still feel that a better business practice would have been to handle the issue at point of return, without having to rely on an internet clean up crew.

The store gave my daughter a one hundred dollar gift card so she could purchase new software if there were other programs that couldn’t run on the HP. I will not take her back to the store to use it, I will not likely shop there again any time soon. My wife plans to take her there on a future outing, but isn’t too keen on it either. While the corporate office cleaned up the mess made by the store and ensured that my daughter’s computer works, they cannot take away the feeling that I was treated poorly in the first place.

At least they attempted to make amends…perhaps there is hope.