Cathy got me thinking about catch phrases and personal mottoes.   Those things that people put at the bottom of emails sometimes, often quotes from a dead poet or general or politician.  I prefer my catchphrases to be my own.  I also like it when others have a catch phrase that people associate them with.

Lately my catch phrase has been “Speak truth to power,” which isn’t so much my own, as it is so common that there isn’t anyone specific to quote.   A lot of folks continue to toss it back to me in emails and letters, so I must have been using it more than I thought lately.
I’ve had other personal catch phrases in the past: “How much for a thousand of them?” comes to mind.   (I like to shop, especially in the developing world where that question is not only valid, but often very frugal).

In our medieval household, we used to joke about how spiff we’d look by imagining a conversation with someone who didn’t know us.  Them: “Who’s that?”  Squire: “That’s Viscount Richard.”  Them:  “Can he fight?” Squire: “No, but he looks good!!”

I  remember in the “way back” when I’d be working on armor in my garage at the multi-armed monster made of railroad iron (no Keith, I still don’t want to know where it came from) and I’d be looking for a tool.  Two particular catch phrases come to mind.  Me: “Where is my drill?”   David: “You don’t know do you?”  Me: “Michael, do you know where my drill is?”  Michael:  “If it was up your A$$ you’d know!”  Me: “Very helpful…both of you.” (I’m not making this up…really.  Cleaning it up a bit, since there are children who read this site, but not changing one word).  You can see why we didn’t get a lot of armor made.  Once I started chasing them around the garage with the located power drill… other catch phrases would fly.

Of course, the newest one…from Dave during our sessions of gaming, and based upon two obvious occurrences: “An arrow in the butt is better than a spear in the winky!”   Now who says we are stuffy and old-fashioned?  I can’t wait to see the T-shirt.

I’m certain that there were dozens of others…I’m just getting that CRS stuff.  So I’m hoping you all will fill in the blanks.  Didn’t we used to have a lot more catch phrases?

In truth, Grey was beyond the point of disbelieving anything. The dwarf was certainly real and so was the blood dripping onto the office carpet.

“What on earth are you doing here?” Grey asked incredulously, taking the axe from his short friend.

“Well you said three heads, so I just assumed that you wanted me along,” Stonefist replied. “Eh, what’s an earth anyway?”

“This is the earth,” Grey said, waving his hand around absently, “it’s what this world is called. You live in Thraveon, I live on earth. That is your reality and this is mine.”

“So Thraveon is all imaginary to ye?” Stonefist asked.

“Yes,” Grey replied, “we’ve been through this before.”

“Don’t snap at him Grey,” Kelly admonished.

“Sorry, I’m just a bit stressed at the moment,” he replied.

“That’s not like you,” she chided.

“Not like me? Not like me? There is a frigging dwarf in my office!” Kelly gasped. “No offense,” Grey said turning quickly to Stonefist.

“None taken,” Stonefist grinned.

“I have a wall locker full of bloody weapons that you claim may be worth millions, imaginary objects and mythical beings are appearing in my reality, and oh by the way I’m supposed to meet an Afghan Minister later in the day. How could I possibly be like me?”

“You’re Grey Connor,” she replied. “Mr. Calm-in-the-midst-of-chaos. Everyone looks up to you because no matter what happens you are always even-keeled and cool-headed.”

Grey opened his mouth but didn’t speak.

“I gotta tell ye, I really like her,” Stonefist said. “Shut him up in his own reality, wow!”

“But I suppose this is a little different,” Kelly admitted.

“A little different? Kelly, reality and imagination are intersecting in such a way that…well…who knows what could happen? What if things from over there start affecting our reality over here?” He turned back suddenly to Stonefist. “The OPSCO!”

“What?” both Kelly and Stonefist asked.

“Chief. My assistant. He could walk in any second and see our friend here and then what am I going to say? Oh hi Chief, don’t mind me, I’ve just brought along one of my imaginary friends, sorry about the bloodstain on the carpet, oh and stay out of the weapons locker, there are swords and axes in there.”

“You’re right,” Kelly said, “we better think of something quickly.”

“I dinna mean to cause trouble,” Stonefist said, “I just wanted to help you.”

“I know old friend, and help you will,” Grey said. “Just wait in my office for a minute while we sort through this.” Stonefist did as he was asked and shut the door behind him. Grey could hear the beginnings of a particularly bawdy dwarven drinking song emanating from behind the door. “Stonefist!” Grey chided.

“Sorry,” the dwarf responded sheepishly. “I sing when I’m nervous.” Kelly smiled.

Grey entered the server room and came back moments later with a screwdriver and an eighteen inch square of carpet. “You should go check on things in your office and see if you were missed. I’ll change out this piece of carpet, hopefully before Chief comes back, and try to get the blood off the bottom of the wall locker. I don’t know why I put them there in the first place, just panicked a little I guess.” Kelly nodded. “I just have to keep our friend quiet long enough to get him back to Thraveon without being seen and figure out how to put our two worlds back together.”

“You going to be okay?” Kelly asked as she moved towards the door.

“Oh sure,” Grey said, “you know me…Mr. Calm-in-the-face-of-absolute-insanity.” He tried to smile.

“For what it’s worth,” Kelly said, opening the door before stepping out into the hall, “I’m having a blast!” She let it shut behind her.

“I’m glad someone is,” Grey said, putting the new carpet square in place. He cleaned out the wall locker with some weapons cleaning rags, how ironic, he thought, and put the axe, sword, and rapier along with his breastplate into a burlap sack used for padding the back of his vehicle when carrying ammunition boxes. He set the burlap bag outside his office door and put the bloodied carpet square and rags inside a black plastic trash bag. Contemplating what would happen if the bag leaked in the embassy hallway, he quickly stuffed the first bag inside another for good measure. He would carry the whole mess to the dumpster as soon as he got Stonefist sorted out. He picked up the burlap and went into his office.

Stonefist was sitting behind his desk, spinning in circles on the black leather chair. “Are you having fun?” Grey asked.

“Aye,” Stonefist replied enthusiastically. “What do ye call this kind of chair? Did ye know it can roll like a wagon?” He demonstrated with a strong push from the desk towards the wall. “Why dinna ye ever give me some of these in the inn?” He grinned shile pushing himself back towards the desk.

Grey sighed. “Can you imagine what Garn Mudlump would have done to the place if he had access to a chair like that?” Grey asked.

“Good point,” Stonefist said grinning, “though I still wish that…” The outer door squeaked as someone opened it and entered the office.

Grey put a finger to his lips, imploring Stonefist to be quiet.

“Sir?” Chief called, “You in the office?”

“Yeah, just a minute Andy,” Grey responded. He quickly checked himself head to toe for anachronsims, then, finding none, he cast an enquiring look at Stonefist. The dwarf gave him a silent thumbs up. Grey opened the door quickly and stepped out to talk with Andy.

“What’s up Chief?” Grey asked. He tried to look normal. What was normal at the moment. Grey had no idea.

“You mean apart from our world coming to an end?” Andy asked.

“What?” Grey said with a little too much emphasis. What has been happening while I’ve been gone. He inhaled deeply.
“Just kidding sir. Jeez. Never seen you so tense.” He patted Grey on the shoulder. Grey exhaled. Calm. Mr. Calm. Breathe, Grey thought.

“But something is going on if you ask me. The planets are in alignment or out of alignment or something,” Chief continued. Grey stiffened again.

“The ALO (Air Liaison Officer) called and said all of our flight requests were approved, Headquarters increased our annual budget by fifteen percent for no reason I can fathom, Abdul just brought the HUMVEE with the burned up engine back from the motor pool because the mechanic said there was nothing wrong with it, and the Ambassador canceled that dinner party you weren’t looking forward to attending. Is that weird or what? Days like this don’t happen very often.” Andy went to his desk to answer some of his email.

Grey relaxed and stood recounting Andy’s words in his head. “No Chief, days like this don’t happen very often. I wonder what it all means.”

“What’s that sir?” Andy asked, fiddling with the monitor controls. “Did you say something?”

“No,” Grey responded. “Not really. Just thinking out loud.”

“Great! Just what we need! Colonels thinking. Sir, you better go in your office and put your feet up. You start thinking and it’s gonna be nothing but work, work, work for the rest of us.” He laughed at his own joke. Even Grey couldn’t help but laugh at the old banter.

“Blah, blah, blah. Warrant officers do all the work,” Grey said, “I’ve heard it all before. You try standing in your dress uniform in the sweltering heat and make nice with a dozen other colonels over luke warm fruit juice.”

“Not me Colonel,” Andy replied, emphasis on the Colonel, “you have your job to do, and I have mine. Frankly, I wouldn’t trade you for a sack full of gold and jewels.”

I bet you would, Grey thought, imagining Andy’s face if he opened the burlap sack. Somehow, bantering with Chief made his troubles seem less…urgent.

“But speaking of my job, I better go down and talk to the guys in IT,” Andy said, standing up. “I guess our day of luck is over.”

“What’s wrong?” Grey asked.

“Look at this! Have you ever seen a monitor do this?” Andy asked, pointing at the Viewsonic flatscreen monitor on his desk. The screen was awash with digital snow, much like an old black and white television when the cathode ray tube was on the fritz.

“No,” Grey said, “I can’t say that I have. Yeah you better talk Bruce, if he can’t fix it then it can’t be fixed. I think there is a new monitor in the storage connex though if it comes to that.”

“I thought we had a deal sir. I stay out of your office and you stay out of my connex, remember?” Andy grinned as he picked up his hat and headed towards the door.

“I didn’t go anywhere near your connex Chief, though maybe I should since you want to keep me away so bad. But I did sign for the arrival of a new monitor last week which I don’t see anywhere in the office so I must assume you moved to the connex.”

“That’s what I like about you sir, always assuming the best about me. How do you know I didn’t sell it on the black market?” Andy teased.

“Because you aren’t the kind of guy to go half way. If you had connections to the black market, my office would be empty by now,” Grey responded, smiling for the first time in what seemed like hours.

“Right you are sir, right you are!” Andy saluted with mock respect as he backed out the door. “Be back in a few sir.”

“Drive safe!” Grey called after him, knowing he was only walking down to the ground floor. He started back to his own office when he heard the knock on the outer door and buzzed it open from Chief’s desk. Kelly.

“You won’t believe it Grey.”

“I’d believe just about anything at the moment Kelly,” Grey said, staring at the snowy monitor on Chief’s desk. Could digital monitors do that? Was that normal? Snow on a flatscreen? He turned to face her.

“When I went back to the Political Section,” Kelly said, “Sally asked me what I’d forgotten.”  She waited for him to understand.  “Look at the clock!  I came into your office and apparently went right back out again.”  Grey looked at the clock over Chief’s desk.  Only a few minutes had passed since Kelly first came in with her reports.   “How can time stand still?” she asked him.  She looked a little shaken.

Grey shook his head and looked back at the floor.  “I don’t know.  I don’t know how any of this is happening.”  He looked up at her.  “You sure you want to deal with this?”

“Of course I do!” she replied, more confidently.  “I told you, I’m having a blast.  It’s a little weird mind you.”  She offered a smile.

“It’s a lot weird,” Grey corrected her.  “If you’re still with me then, we should get Stonefist back to Thraveon and try to think of a way to sort this out.”  She nodded her agreement and opened his office door.  “And we better get out of here before Chief comes back to sort out this snow problem.”

“He saw this?” she asked staring into Grey’s office.

“Saw what?” Grey asked, stepping into his office.

The entire office was filled waist deep with white powdery snow.  Stonefist sat shivering  in the midst of it on the black swivel chair.  “It started pouring through the portal thingy when yer other friend was here.  I dinna want to say anything cause you told me to keep quiet, I hope I did the right thing.”

“You did great old friend.,” Grey responded. “Come on, let’s get this cleaned up quickly.”

“Funny thing,” Stonefist said, jumping out of the chair.

“What’s that?” asked Grey.

“I never seen snow in a building before.  Kinda strange.”

“What else is new?” Grey asked.

In November of 2004 parts of northern Sri Lanka were inundated with water following a period of intense rains. (this was the month before the Asian tsunami struck). I had traveled to the north to visit Sri Lanka Army units there and to meet several of my friends who were serving senior officers in the army.

I knew from previous visits to the forward defensive line that at least one of the divisions there suffered from a very high incidence of snake bites, not surprising considering there are 97 species of snakes in Sri Lanka, 24 of which are venomous. One surgeon told me that she saw an average of one soldier a day who had been bitten by a snake, and while the army had anti-toxin in sufficient quantity for all units, she still lost several soldiers a year. Snakes were a constant menace.

It was this division that I was visiting and I was quite surprised to find the soldiers in one brigade had been forced to move out of their bunkers by the rising waters and were sitting, in the open, on the tops of their bunkers while the water lapped at the edges of their sandbags. I supposed it might be some consolation to them that the enemy bunker line was also inundated, but it seemed surreal, seeing soldiers sitting in the open, within a few hundred meters of each other across a no-man’s-land of water and occasional floating mines. Several plastic mines had already floated to the surface and washed up against trees or other objects, detonating and sending a shower of mud and debris on those closest. No one had been killed by a floating mine, but leaders were certainly concerned that it could happen. Rain continued intermittently, causing the water to rise and more mines to break free from the mud.

Because the roads were underwater, the platoon leaders were rowing food out to the soldiers on the bunker line, and because of limited boats, the soldiers were only getting two, rather than their regular three meals a day. As we took a little tour of one part of the line I noticed several crocodiles skulking just under the water’s surface, which was just a few inches below the tops of most of the bunkers.

We approached one bunker and the soldier sitting on duty there continued to focus on his left and right limits, even though his mental health must have been precarious. Sitting in a soggy uniform on top of his bunker in open in sight of the enemy, eating fewer meals than he was accustomed to, and wondering how long it would be before a crocodile ventured onto the top of a bunker in the darkness, and now comes a boat with the Division, Brigade and Battalion commanders escorting some foreigner that can barely speak Sinhala. I really pitied the poor soldier at that moment and thought…”man this really sucks for him.”

Wondering how he was coping with it all, I sympathized with him, through the Brigade Commander (I could understand a lot more Sinhala than I had vocabulary for) and asked if he thought things were bad. His face lit up and he beamed with happiness. “Oh no sir! Everything is wonderful. Since the waters have come up, the crocodiles are swimming around and eating all of the snakes!”

What an amazing attitude and what an amazing thing perspective is! This little moment in life taught me not to judge another person’s situation too quickly. When the tsunami hit Sri Lanka six weeks later, perspective and attitude became two of my biggest allies.

Grey stood over the bodies of the two Uruks he had killed, but three more were circling him, jabbing their swords at his head and chest and looking for an opening. He fought desperately to avoid giving them one. This was absolutely not what he had planned to show Kelly. Kelly! He swung his sword in a wide arc that caused the three Uruk to back away and as they did he turned to see Kelly deftly striking the arms and hands of a stunned Uruk with multiple quick flicks of her wrist. The Uruk dropped its weapon a split second before Kelly thrust her rapier into its throat. She seemed to know what she was doing.

Stonefist was down to one Uruk, the remainder piled dead or dying around him. “Yer gettin slow in yer old age aren’t ye?” he called, gesturing at the size of his Uruk pile and the size of Grey’s.

Grey ducked in time to let an Uruk blade just swing over the top of his head, squatting low to regain his balance. He thrust upwards at the Uruk’s midsection and drove the sword between two belly plates while sweeping the Uruk’s legs with his own. “If you’re so fast, you could hurry up and get over here,” Grey suggested, “you might notice I’m not wearing any armor.”

“And whose fault is that Mr. I-made-this-place-and-everything-in-it?” Stonefist emphasized the word everything as he levered his axe out of the Uruk’s body. “I don’t know why you ever made these things in the first place,” he added, moving with no great speed to assist Grey.

Of course! Grey couldn’t believe how foolish he was being. He had created this race. He had given them their strength, their cunning, their fearsome appearance. He had also given them a sense of self-preservation. If he couldn’t control these two through his magical will, perhaps he could exploit their natural inclinations. Grey stood quickly to face the two remaining Uruk and took several quick steps backwards as he called to them in their native tongue. Gresznak gur! Shuzbren gur stisgrak! (literally - Flee you! Otherwise you will die!)

The Uruk paused and looked at each other in surprise. Neither of them had ever heard a softskin speak Uruk. They looked back at Grey and at the Dwarf who was calmly walking towards them over the bodies of more than a dozen of their tribe. They didn’t advance, but they didn’t lower their swords either. Grey took a deep breath and lifted both arms in the air staring into the eyes of the Uruk as he did so. “Ge rustul ma!” (I am a shaman!), he called to them. Their eyes widened as a silvery breastplate materialized over his chest, buckling itself to straps that appeared over his shoulders.

Grey raised his empty hand and pointed at the Uruk closest to him, mumbling nonsense words under his breath. He couldn’t risk an offensive spell because he didn’t know if it would work, but he was still able to conjure objects. Grey took another deep breath and willed a crooked stick into his hand. It looked exactly like the wands used by powerful Uruk shamans. The two warriors didn’t wait to see if the wand was real. They both turned and fled as quickly as their legs would carry them. Grey exhaled his relief.

“Why’d ye let them go?” Stonefist asked. “They’ll just go and get others. They always do. Shoulda killed em both.”

“I want them to spread the word that we are dangerous,” Grey said, “otherwise we might be doing this several times a day.”

“Ye need the practice if ye ask me,” Stonefist said.

“I didn’t ask you,” Grey replied, turning to search for Kelly. She was kneeling over one of the Uruks she had killed running her hand over its skin. The rapier was still clutched in her other hand but she looked at the Uruk in wonderment.

“You okay Kelly?” Grey asked, realizing it was a pretty stupid question. Of course she wasn’t okay. Her entire worldview must be shattered. Talk about paradigm shifts.
“I’m fantastic!” she said standing to face him. “You really made these things?” She was beaming as she pointed down at the Uruk. Grey was stunned at her reaction. He had been trained to recognize post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, it must be manifesting in her now, though it seemed too soon if he remembered his training correctly.

“I uh…” Grey began.

“And you made this little guy too?” she asked, running over to squeeze Stonefist on the cheek. The dwarf’s eyes widened in shock then his cheeks began to redden.

“I wouldn’t…” Grey cautioned, “he can be a bit…caustic.”

“Speak for yerself yer mightiness, if the girl wants to pinch my cheek, who am I to nay say her? And such a pretty thing too.” Stonefist beamed back at Kelly.

“Oh brother,” Grey replied. “I think I’m getting a headache. Doesn’t this unsettle you at all?”

“Of course it does. Beautiful women don’t just pop out of thin air and save your life every day you know,” Stonefist replied.

“I was talking to Kelly,” Grey said.

“Oh is that the lady’s name?” Stonefist chided. “Makes the whole world but has no manners,” he said to her while holding out his hand. “Name’s Stonefist. Very pleased to make yer acquaintance miss.”

“Likewise,” Kelly replied with a half curtsy and a nod of her head.

“Don’t mind him miss Kelly, he’s in a bit of a lather what with all his powers goin on the blink and all,” Stonefist said. “Have you considered retirement?” he asked turning to Grey.

“No, I haven’t considered retirement,” he replied, “at least not in my world. But if I don’t get things sorted out soon I may have to.” He stepped towards Kelly and looked in her eyes for signs of shock.

“Really,” Grey asked, “are you okay?”

“I’m fine! I’ve never felt so alive,” she said. Grey stared at her. “Really! This is just amazing!” Grey wasn’t convinced. “Look, either you slipped me some incredible hallucinogenic when I first came into your office, or this is real. Either way there is nothing I can do about it now, so I might as well enjoy the ride.”

Grey closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. He really was getting a headache. “There is no ride,” he said. “I said I’d prove it, and I did, so now we go back.”

Kelly’s smile vanished and Grey felt a moment of inexplicable disappointment. He didn’t mean to ruin her moment. “I’m not trying to be difficult Kelly, but I have to sort this out before things really start to unravel, and I can’t do it if you are here in Thraveon with me.”

“Why not?” she asked. Grey looked at her but had no ready answer.

“Why not?” Stonefist asked expectantly. Grey turned to him and sighed.

“Why not,” he said resignedly. “I suppose two heads are better than one.”

Stonefist cleared his throat. “Fine, three heads,” Grey said, “but we’ve got to go back and make sure you weren’t missed. I seem to come and go without anyone noticing my absences, but I don’t know how it will work for you. I don’t seem to know much of anything anymore.”

He conjured a cloth to wipe their blades clean then handed her a new scabbard for her rapier. “May as well take it back since we know it works for you. Let’s just try to keep it hidden, we know what happened the last time someone noticed a sword in my office.” She laughed.

Grey moved back to the area where he had first come through the nexus and waved his arm around in the air in front of him. After just a few moments, he felt the strands at the edge of the portal and pulled the fabric open.

“It isn’t supposed to be like this,” he told Kelly. “I just close my eyes and enter Thraveon in the same way that you would revisit a favorite place in your mind. When I make changes to the reality here, I remember them, so the world on this side evolves under my direction and stays the same until I return.”

“And that’s not happening now?” Kelly asked stepping through the nexus into Grey’s office.

“Not in the same way,” he replied. “I never actually walked through a portal before. And I certainly never came here when I wasn’t meaning to. Of course there was the odd bored moment when my mind would wander here, but it wasn’t like I just appeared here with no control over anything.”

“You normally have complete control?” she asked, stepping into Grey’s outer office.

“Yes. Everything in that world is my creation and bends to my will, or it did. Now I find that the beings there have free will and my powers are limited, though I’ve yet to determine how limited. I keep returning here without intending to.”

“So what do we do now?” she asked.

“Well, first we figure out how long we’ve been gone and if you were missed, then I guess we try to come up with a plan for sorting this out. I have to admit I’m more than just a little concerned.”

He held up his sword. “This isn’t real. It shouldn’t be here.” He opened a metal wall locker against one wall and placed the sword inside. “But objects from Thraveon have been showing up at odd times and odd places. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around an imaginary world being real, let alone objects moving from one world to the other. In any case, I don’t think that it can be good for our reality if imaginary things start appearing here at random. It might upset some cosmic balance or something.”

Grey took the rapier from Kelly and put it in the wall locker beside his sword.

“I see what you mean,” she said, looking past Grey with a slight smile on her face. He turned to see what had caught her attention.

“Did ye want to put mine in there too, or should I hold on to it?” the dwarf asked, clutching his bloody axe to his chest. “Only I don’t want to drip on yer nice soft floor here,” he said plainly to Grey’s disbelieving stare.