While many of you are still hanging around waiting to find out what happens to the stalwart Colonel in the nexus, I apologize, I will get back to that as soon as possible. In the meantime however, I thought I should ensure that you knew the end of the story on the Best Buy Saga that I’ve been blogging about.

The nice lady from Best Buy corporate sent me an email telling me that everything had been fixed, and the store called my back to say the computer was ready for pick-up, about five days after I turned it in. (Note that this is slightly longer than the guaranteed 72 hours). If I wasn’t satisfied, she said, the store would exchange the computer or give me store credit in spite of the return policy.

I arrived at the store after work, and as I approached the Geek Squad counter, a geek (professional title, not a slur) was standing behind the counter staring at the door. As I approached the counter he said, in a tone of voice that hinted at having said the same thing over and over for some time, “Are you Mr. Jervis?”

“I am.”

He sighed relief then turned like Vanna White to show me the computer, my daughter’s computer, on display behind him. It was connected to a printer and the internet, and he quickly showed me that all the programs worked, though he explained how many drivers they had to download and how the settings had been changed to allow running of older programs. He showed me a test page, then printed another for good measure. He surfed the web briefly.

“Is there anything else you’d like to see, Mr. Jervis?”

“No, I think that will do it.”

He began to disconnect the computer and get it ready for me to take away, then handed me back all of the programs that I had brought in. As he worked I stood there being further annoyed, but keeping it in check. All the talk about how this operating system would not run older programs, and how there was nothing that could be done, and how I had to understand that there would be a period of transition from programs that ran on older systems to newer systems, had been…well…wrong. They had managed to get everything to work, in spite of the number of geeks who had told me they couldn’t. They just needed a gentle corporate push in the right direction.

How much trouble could I have been saved if the manager had just interceded to allay my concerns in the first place?

I applaud Best Buy corporate for interceding in my dilemma after-the-fact, but I still feel that a better business practice would have been to handle the issue at point of return, without having to rely on an internet clean up crew.

The store gave my daughter a one hundred dollar gift card so she could purchase new software if there were other programs that couldn’t run on the HP. I will not take her back to the store to use it, I will not likely shop there again any time soon. My wife plans to take her there on a future outing, but isn’t too keen on it either. While the corporate office cleaned up the mess made by the store and ensured that my daughter’s computer works, they cannot take away the feeling that I was treated poorly in the first place.

At least they attempted to make amends…perhaps there is hope.

I spent a few minutes today making a list of all the projects I have to do, both short term and long-term, and all the little things I need to get done specifically this weekend.  I filled five sheets of paper on eight sides total.  I don’t think I wrote everything down.  Where does all of this work come from any way?  I’ll admit that one whole page of it is house projects and such, and one whole page is repair to weapons and armor which is pretty much a never-ending task, but much of it is new ideas, new projects, new things I have to write about.

I have about six anecdotes from my travels and such that need to be put in writing, but I also have to finish writing the first set of “Ten” chapters and work on catching up all the project pictures and posts.  Cian the Elder came by last weekend and helped my inch the basement closer to completion, but I wrote down the things I have left to do, just to finish the spa bath, and it fills a page and a half.  Sigh.  I’m going to a fighting demonstration (Cian and I are fighting) tomorrow, but I hope to get more work down in the afternoon.  Then, once things have settled down, and I can’t lift my arms anymore to swing a sword or a hammer, I’ll get back on here and try to catch up.  Why do I think that catching up will be a never-ending task as well?

I figure it would be pretty boring to you to hear the entire list of things I plan to do this weekend and in the near term, but I thought it might be interesting to list those things (taken verbatim off my list, really) that are likely not on your average honey-do list:

Call George and check on status of ten matching helms I ordered

Finish the neck facing in Cian the Younger’s new tunic.

Finish the joinery on the medieval chest and attach the iron hinges

Find quillons appropriate for a new Bastard

Cut out the see-thru section of the basement steps

Design the Old World Bar room and check on gas lines for torches

Check all installed firestopping and finish the remainder

Run wire for in-floor heaters

Buy a chipper.  Chip.  A lot.  Spread Chips.

Locate a lower trailer that will actually fit into the garage.  Sell old trailer

Cut out the next playset leaf panel and paint it

Cut out next set of roof leaves and paint

Cut branches for the Crooked Man tower

Carve golden spires for fairy tower rooves

Check tightness of chains on Fairy Bridge

Plan Pergola Waterfall

Price parts for a conservatory for the addition

Draw the Dog Skull Cartoon

Do something Normal.  Yeah right.

Our wandering merchant was probably one of the most “hated” characters of the day.  His job was to sell some items needed for the quest, and a whole bunch of items that were merely decorative, or completely worthless.   His real job was to fleece the groups for everything they had, something for which our merchant seemed to have a real knack, and to always be as far away from the group that needed him most at any given moment.  He would go on and on about the origins of the items, their magical properties, how difficult it was being a merchant….     Several times during the day you could hear the familiar refrain echoing through the woods, “I’M GOING TO KILL THAT MERCHANT!”   Yeah, they really loved the Count.

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to enchant semi-precious stones and then arrange them in decorative patterns?  Why the costs of the materials alone are worth twice what you are offering me!  I have a family to feed!  You can’t really be serious!”

The Dragon....or...what passed for one.

Somehow one of the dragon’s two ears got bent back and flopped around during the day.  The kids spent more time trying to figure out why the dragon was “missing” an ear than they did trying to figure out how to kill it.  It was invulnerable to all attacks, and impervious to most magic.  There was however a magic spear (fairly obvious if you took the time to look for it) standing in the ground behind the dragon.  All they had to do was stealth past the Dragon, or distract it, and get the spear…then hit the dragon before he hit them.  Easy!

The Sorceress

The Sorceress possessed spells desired by the groups and wore the fabled Diamond of Glimmermere that Raurik the Demented so desperately desired. The diamond, it was rumored, would keep one’s armor from rusting indefinitely. I’m not sure if our Sorceress named her familiar, but I called him Spike! She valiantly sat wearing black, in the hot sun and humid air, for nearly four hours. What patience and dedication!

The Wise Sage

The Sage challenged the group to select the wisest among them to play a game with him. Upon a very large grid were arrayed before them any number of fantastic creatures on both sides. The Sage would advance a piece and make some comment explaining the move like; “I advance my Hobgoblin within sight of your Red Dragon.”

The kids would invariably say, “What are the rules?”

“If you are wise,” the Sage would reply, “you surely know the answer to that.”

Then they would advance something and the Sage would nod approvingly, “Ahhh, you have brought forward your blue ice devil. A good move, but not the best you could have made,” or words to that effect.

This would go on for some time until the group finally figured out that there were no rules. The rules were whatever they made them out to be. One ingenious group demanded, after several rounds of play, that the Sage switch seats with them, since he clearly knew more then they did. Then used the rules he had already elucidated for his own pieces to remove the other side from the field. Fun for all. For their troubles, they earned a map of all the other characters in the land.

More to follow tomorrow…

I thought I would add a few more pics from the birthday party.  Please let me know if you like them. 

The Mysterious Prophetess

The prophetess would look into the future for the group and provide them with one or more prophecies.  Most were linked directly to clues in the game, though some were just downright distractions.  Who can tell when a prophecy is good or bad.  The knight in the forest, Raurik the Demented, could only be killed by cutting off his arms and legs, even though the kids kept trying to hit his head and/or body.  ONe of the prophecies said “some knights would give an arm and a leg for a noble death.”  Unfortunately, no one drew that clue from the Chest at the Prophetess side.  She also had one of the three main items in the overall quest, a huge amethyst, which she happened to be wearing on her finger…though the groups didn’t catch on at first.

Raurik the Demented

Raurik blocked the path leading farther into the forest towards the Ogre and the Dragon.  He was a stalwart opponent to any that came upon him.  Immune to most spells, he certainly occupied a lot of the group’s time as they tried to figure out how to beat him.

The Healer

If the kids thought the healer was going to be a kind old man who would heal their boo-boos, they were sadly mistaken.  Ours was grumpy, crotchety, and difficult.  We laid out a bed and a whole table full of saws and hammers and implements of cutting.  Once they talked around his bad mood however, they might learn that they could regain a life by paying a Florin, or gain something more valuable by helping the healer with his lame leg.

The Innkeeper

One of the Innkeeper’s jobs was to talk very slowly and deliberately and keep the group engaged.  Ours did a marvelous job.  At one point one groups’ eyes were literally glazing over.  The innkeeper had gargoyles on his inn that he would sell, was seeking the return of his missing bottles of wine, happened to have eye of newt on stack and wanted to get some fairy cinammon sticks and cardamon seed to mull it with.  He would also pay Florins for any group that entertained his patrons.  One group of teens performed “I’m a Little Teapot,” with all the hand gestures, for which they earned multiple Florins.  Okay, I guess no one at our house was quite “normal” that day.

More tomorrow if there is still interest.

Sometime during preparation for our son’s birthday party, I figured out that we just aren’t normal. My wife and I were traveling to a Military Ball dressed like this:

These people look normal right?

As we drove the hour to our destination, my wife was balancing a notebook on her lap, checking and crosschecking the characters for our son’s medieval/fantasy birthday party, and ensuring that we weren’t missing any props or costumes or cross references. “So the Ogre has the crystalized Ogre sweat?” she asked, adjusting the strap on her sequined gown.

“Yes, which he’ll give up for a love letter from Seraphina,” I said, checking with one hand to ascertain if my bow tie was straight.

“How will they know to get a love letter from her?”

“He has written one to his Someone Speshul, which they should figure out is her after all her sighing and mooning about.”

“And the gargoyles?” she asked.

“He trades the fairy princess he kidnapped for the gargolye,” I said.

“Right. So who is the guest speaker at the ball tonight?”

We drove on like this intermingling occasional cell phone calls to reality with jotting down prop and costume notes.

At one point as we were going through this and I thought about all the preparation people were doing at home to get ready, I said “We have awesome friends, I mean, what normal people have friends who will dress up in costumes and spend the day pretending to be mythical creatures or people?”

There was a pause, then I realized, “We’re not normal.” I guess I’ve known it most of my life, but I’ve done a pretty good job of pretending. Apparently, all of our friends fit into a category that one of my colleagues affectionately calls “misfits.” (He counts himself in that group, as do I). Herewith are a few sample pictures of the type of friends we have:

Queen Rivien, The Fairy Queen and Questgiver

All of the pictures of Rivien turned out with this halo of mist around them. We think maybe the lens had moisture on it from the humidity that dried out before we took pictures of anyone else. Either that, or it’s real fairy dust.

Seraphina, the Fairy Queen's Alchemist

Seraphina was connected to several quest lines, but my favorite was apparent in this picture. She was pining for a true love to come and take her away. It turned out to be the Ogre Grog…that took the kids some figuring out, though there were any number of clues…

The Cavalier/Pirate Porthos

“You stole that wine from the innkeeper!” “I did not! This wine was a gift to me from the Queen of America…” Awesome roleplaying and incredible but safe fencing in a controlled environment…

Grog the Ogre and his Friend

It was an hour and a half before anyone got back to Grog deep in the woods. He had taken to singing Ogre songs to himself and talking to his friend. If you asked his friend’s name, he’d say “Grog not sure, Ogre names are what sound you like to make. My friend’s name is either AAAAAAAH! or OW MY LEG! or NOOOOOO! or AN OGRE!!, but I don’t think it’s Ogre cause that’s copyrighted.”

So that is the first little batch. If you like them, I will post more. The role-playing was phenomenal. Our friends are AWESOME. Oh, and in answer to the question: “Who has friends like this?” Apparently all of my friends have friends like this. That makes us misfits I assume…

Oops…didn’t hit the publish button…so now you get the pic today!

Today was our son’s sixteenth birthday party (not his actual birthday, just the party). He wanted a medieval/fantasy party and we obliged. Fifteen roleplayers lived out a living moving quest for nearly three hours while fourteen teenagers fought, puzzled, quested and worked their way through The fairy Queen Rivien, her alchemist Seraphina, the Fairy Princesses Willow and Luna, an Ogre named Grog, Raurik the Demented Knight, a Dragon, a Leprechaun named Paddy O’Furniture, Porthos the Cavalier, a Sorceress, a Prophetess, a Healer, a Sage, and a wandering merchant named Count Alistair DeMonet (or as he is known in the hood, Count All de Money). I am too exhausted to describe the details of the entire day yet, or to even post pictures of it all, but I cannot go to sleep without saying THANK YOU to all the people who sweated and toiled in and out of armor and costumes today. You are all awesome.

I’ll try this week to tell you a bit about the 30+ quest lines that the kids were following and put up some pics, especially a picture of the MOST AMAZING CAKE my wife made, from scratch. Those who were there will testify…it was an awesome day!!

Cake Pic:

Have you ever seen a home made cake as fearsome?!

Let me explain before I tell you this story from my recent travels that I don’t speak French. The fact that I don’t speak French is actually wrapped deeply into the way I first became a Foreign Area Officer, but that is another story. Those who know me, know that I am a polyglot, a rare beast that speaks more than a few languages. Those that know me very well are probably already snickering over the “rare beast” comment. One of the languages I do NOT speak is French, or perhaps it is more correct to say, French is not one of the languages that I speak.

I do understand a little French when it is spoken to me, and I do know one or two or ten phrases, but this is not the same thing as speaking a language. For the purposes of telling this story, I shall translate all the French I do not speak into italics, so that you will know that it was French I was hearing or speaking at the time. Understand? Hope so. Okay…

I was flying from Algeria to Paris in the final day of my 15 day travels. I sat in the aisle seat and was working patiently on the most difficult Sudoku puzzle I have ever worked when I was latched on to by a young Algerian boy about seven or eight years old.

In the way that only a child or someone from certain parts of the world (and especially a child from certain parts of the world) has a different idea of personal space, I soon found myself looking at the top of a small head that was attached to a body completely bent over my tray table and intervening between the puzzle and my face. The head turned up to look at me, still blocking my puzzle.

“A very complex and difficult question in French that I didn’t understand?”

I looked down at him apologetically. “I’m sorry, I don’t speak French,” I said in French.

“You just did,” he said, amazed. He smiled as though he’d heard a funny joke.

“No, I understand a little French, but I don’t speak it,” I replied, quickly using up my Norman vocabulary.

“You just did it again,” he laughed. Okay, this was going nowhere fast. I pulled back from him and he pulled back from me, giving me a little bit of personal space to think, but he was still standing with both hands on my armrest.

“Another very complex question in French that I would have absolutely no chance of understanding,” he asked?

I stared at him blankly and began to speak. “I’m sorry,” I said in French. “You don’t speak French,” he finished for me in French, “yes, we’ve been through this.” I admit that he was growing on me.

He took a deep breath, bit his lip then asked, “The same very complex question in French that I would have absolutely no chance of understanding only louder and much more slowly,“ he asked?

I laughed and shook my head no.

“Do you speak Arabic?”

“No,” I replied. I began to count on my fingers for him, “English, Spanish, German.” Then because I had no clue how to name them in French, “Hindi, Urdu, SInhala,” I added in English. He stared at me in amazement.

“Lots of French words that clearly meant, you speak all those languages but you don’t speak French or Arabic?”

“Sorry, no.”

He gave me a nonverbal look that any linguist would have interpreted as “What planet are you from? Who ever heard of someone who doesn’t speak French or Arabic. That’s so weird.” Then he looked back at my puzzle and asked me the same question he had started with. I just stared at him.

“Airplane,” he said in French, pointing all around.

“What?” I said, in English?

“The Airplane is flying,” he said. “Then the airplane will go down.”

He pointed all around and looked at me quizzically. OMG, I thought, he’s trying to teach me French!

“The airplane won’t go down soon,” I said. He laughed and clapped his hands.

He then asked me the puzzle question again. He can’t possibly believe that I now know enough French to understand him. That’s fairly ridiculous. Then I stared at him, because I actually DID understand his question. He wanted to know if it was difficult! Fortunately it was in the Air France in-flight magazine and was one of five puzzles that were labeled in French. Easy, Medium, Difficult, Hard, Difficult and Diabolical.

“Diabolical,” I said, “This one is diabolical.”

At this point an Algerian man came up behind him in the aisle and asked him (in French) what he was doing.

“I am talking to this man,” he replied. “He doesn’t speak French. He speaks, what was that again?”

I listed them for him. He looked at the Algerian man as if to say, have you ever heard of such a thing in your life?

“Is this your first trip out of Algeria?”

“Yes”

“And you don’t speak English?”

“No”

“So how are you talking to this man who doesn’t speak French?”

His eyes widened in exasperation as he spread both hands to point out that I was sitting right there, could hear them and, in spite of the fact that I claimed not to speak French, was communicating with him all the same. Grownups! his look said.

“You don’t know any English words?”

“No”

“Do you know your continents?

What!?! I thought.

What,” the boy asked?

“Your continents! Name your continents!”

Apparently it is the job of every Alergian to teach something to someone else on the plane. The boy was teaching me French, the man was teaching the boy Geography (incidentally the boy could only name two continents, Africa and Asia, even though he was flying to Europe, but I liked him anyway), and I was deciding that it really was high time I learned French.

At this point, the bathroom “occupied” light finally turned green and the boy raced forward to claim his opportunity. The man lingered a moment to glance down at my puzzle, then said, “I’m sorry if that boy was bothering you.”

“It is good,” I said in French.

“I thought you didn’t speak French,” he exclaimed.

“I don’t,” I explained.

“I see,” he said, though he clearly didn’t.

For those interested in the nitnoid details of my shopping experience with Best Buy I feel I owe you an update. As many have expected I contacted the nice Best Buy corporate lady after she left a message here on my BLOG. Her response follows:

Hello Jervis,

I read the Blog and I could tell that there is a lot of frustration involved in this experience. I’m truly sorry for any aggravation and inconvenience this situation has caused. As I said, I would be glad to look into the situation further and reach out to the appropriate management teams.

It would be very helpful if you could provide me with your phone number, service order number and/or the customer service pin from the receipts. This would help me locate the information in our system. Do you have names of any employees that you talked with? Is there anything else I should know about the situation?

Further, please describe where this is at as of now and how you would prefer Best Buy to resolve the issues. I will be glad to look into what possibilities there are and hope to find a resolution that is satisfactory to you.

Let me know if you have any other questions or concerns.

Sincerely,

Lisa
Geek Squad Public Defender
Executive Resolution Team

I answered her on Saturday. I believe that I was thankful and polite, but still clear in the fact that I was quite frustrated with her company. I identified some of the characters in my Blog post by name so that she could verify my story and gave her all the customer PIN numbers and receipt information I had, including all the exchanges of wireless cards etc. I also pointed out that it was already beyond the guaranteed 72 hours and I had not yet heard back from the geek squad.

Sunday late afternoon, Master Geek (the helpful and fairly competent one) called me back and said that he had been working on my computer. The good news was that he had the wireless adapter up and running. The bad news was the program I had left wouldn’t run on Windows Vista. (I knew that, that’s why I brought it in). I reminded him that his store had sold me the computer and said that I could run other software in compatibility mode. I then asked about the printer driver. He explained that he couldn’t fid the printer driver because I hadn’t brought the printer in. I pointed out that the printer was part of the HP package deal and that they had one in the store. I had brought in the driver disk in any case. He said he didn’t know the model number. I suggested that he look in the work order for the receipt number and look it up. He asked if I could just get the model number for him, but then acknowledged that he supposed he could look it up since he had my phone number. By that time I had the model number and gave it to him. He said I’d hear from them again when they had it running.

Monday mid day I heard from Lisa. She asked me to give her a few days to research the issue now that she had the data. I replied to her note again, thanking her for her interest and expressing hope that we would be able to work this out. I also suggested that I didn’t want to profit from this whole experience, I just wanted a working computer for my daughter and thought that having spent more than three thousand dollars in the store in a short period of time would allow me some understanding on the part of store management. By Monday night I assumed that Lisa would be working her way down to the store while the geek squad continued to work on my computer. I assumed I wouldn’t hear from Best Buy again for several weeks. So, here is where I become a roadkill on the highway to shock and awe.

The in service store manager called me this evening, let’s call him Mr Efficient. I’ll summarize the conversation since it was very long, very apologetic and very, well…efficient. Mr. Efficient explains that he was contacted by Best Buy Corporate today and that he had read my blog post and the information that followed. He tells me that others in the store have read and it will be used as a training example for remedial training for the staff. (I will admit this makes me feel more positive about the store, if it is true. If it isn’t true, it still makes me feel more positive about the store).

He tells me that he knows that Master Geek fixed the wireless adapter and he believes that he has fixed the printer driver, but that he wants to see it run the printer. He will personally check it out. He is very apologetic about the whole episode. He then explains that there is a problem with a lot of the software we want to run, because the HP is running Windows Vista and is a 64 bit system. Most of my programs are 32 bit programs. I explain again that I showed the programs I wanted to run to his staff before I got the recommendation on which computer to buy. He says he understands that and wants to work through it with me.

He says that within a year most of the software in the store will be running on 64 bit, but if I really want a 32 bit computer and won’t be happy with the HP even after they get everything running, and even though it is beyond the 14 day exchange period, they will take the computer back and help me find one that will work for me. He also says that he feels bad that this computer was for my daughter and she still doesn’t have it. He suggests that Best Buy make up for some of the lost programs by giving her a gift card with which she can buy new software that will run on the 64 bit machine. I explain that I am not looking to profit from the experience. Those who know me will know that I mean this. I am actually happier at the thought that they might train their employees better in future than I am about a gift card. Then he says the card isn’t for you you understand, but for your daughter. She will probably be studying and using the computer for school and she should have a computer that works. I accede that if Best Buy wants to give her a gift card, that would be very kind, but that what I really want is a functioning computer.

We talk through the options that remain. He will get the HP fixed to the best of his ability, personally checking that it is repaired before calling back and that it should only take a few days. If I am still not satisfied with the computer, he will take it back and help us select another. I suggest we take it one step at a time. I thank him for his time and tell him I look forward to hearing from him.

So. Will Best Buy live up to Mr. Efficient’s phone call? I’m actually believing they will. I certainly have to hope they will. My daughter was standing in the kitchen listening to the entire phone conversation and i could sense that she was trying to be supportive without looking too needy. She was really looking forward to a new computer for her birthday. At this point, that was five weeks ago. Let’s hope things work out for the best.

I do have one question though if the Best Buy web crawlers are still out there. Why is the nice Best Buy Lady’s job title “Geek Squad Public Defender?”

My head is going to explode. If you don’t see me write again for several days it may be because I’ve been hospitalized for traumatic cranial rapid expansion. I’m told that venting about an issue is supposed to relieve the internal pressure. Let’s see…

We went to Best Buy on 2 August to buy a new desktop computer for my daughter’s thirteenth birthday. We stood around in the computer section making eye contact with the three blue-shirted adolescent employees that were apparently assigned to the computer section, but none offered to assist us. When I began to approach one of them, they suddenly found something they had to do in another section of the store and hurried away. It was rather comical to watch them avoid trying to help anyone.

While my wife went to the front of the store to ask advice from the “Geek Squad,” I sent my children to the software section to gather up several of the programs we have at home so that we could be certain that whatever computer we purchased would meet system requirements for the applications and games we wanted to run. I began to chase down blue-shirts asking if one of them could help me. Before my wife could return with “advice” from the “experts,” I finally managed to corner one at the end of an aisle and convince him that I really wanted to spend money to buy a computer. To protect the guilty, we’ll call him Tweedle-dee.

Explaining that I wanted a computer that would support gaming heavy applications, he pointed me in the direction of a Hewlett Packard Pavillion with a Pentium Processor that just happened to be on sale as part of a package deal that included the monitor and a printer. My wife returned with a list of computers we shouldn’t buy, but no real advice on what we should buy. There was a helpful suggestion that we might consider a Gateway if they had any, but the professionals in the geek squad had no idea if there were actually any Gateways in the store. So, wait a minute. Why are they even selling computers that we shouldn’t buy? Oh well says I, trusting consumer that I am, I’m sure they know what they are doing…

I handed the pile of programs to the blue-shirt and explained that the computer had to be able to run all of these applications and games. He looked them over and knowingly assured me that there would be no problem. I told him I had a wireless router and needed a wireless adapter that was compatible with the computer. He dutifully went and found a box with a USB wireless adapter. Keep in mind that I have tame geeks that normally help me with this kind of thing, so I don’t pay attention to all the little details like network configurations and the like. If anyone at Best Buy had asked me any questions about my current system, I might have called a friend and asked. But we just kept piling boxes on the cart until we had everything we needed.

Checkout took nearly 45 minutes as the clerk had a bit of trouble deciding how to ring up my purchases and where the buttons were to approve or disapprove the various promotional options that I turned down. More time was spent trying to sell me things I didn’t want than in helping me pick out the things I did want. While I normally do NOT opt for a service plan since I am usually overseas when something goes wrong and it costs more to ship the computer back than it does to repair it, I felt uneasy about spending $1000.00 on a computer that I had no coverage for. Exhausted from our mostly self-service experience, we went home to set up my daughter’s birthday present.

The computer took almost no time to set-up and I quickly learned that none of the programs or applications I had shown to Tweedle-dee would work on the computer. It was running Windows Vista and most of our existing software was made for Windows XP or earlier. I wasn’t pleased. My daughter was crushed. I decided to hook up the printer and deal with the program issue in the morning. There was no printer cable. Tweedle-dee hadn’t mentioned that I needed one, and I wrongly assumed it would be in the box with the printer. Sighing with intense frustration, I decided to install the wireless adapter. It was for an N-router. I have a G-router. Many will say that I certainly should have known what wireless router I was running. I agree. But I also think someone at the store should have asked me, rather than assuming that I had one model over another. The next day I returned to Best Buy and bought a printer cable, took it home and hooked up the printer and learned that the printer driver would not load. I had also forgotten to take back the wireless adapter. Angry, frustrated and a bit overwhelmed, I did what any good husband would do in a situation like this, I went on a long trip for work.

My wife went back into Best Buy with several of the programs and explained that the computer was not working correctly. They told her that it was the fault of Windows Vista and that there was nothing they could do. They suggested that we try to run the programs as an administrator or to run them in compatibility mode for other Windows versions. Not knowing how to do this, my wife could only let the computer sit while I traveled around the world.

I returned on 31 August in time for my son’s sixteenth birthday and, being a glutton for punishment, went back to Best Buy to get him a computer. (If you aren’t slapping your foreheads at this point you should at least be imagining slapping mine).

My son and I stood around in the computer section trying to make eye contact with the three blue-shirts that…what the hell am I doing this again for? I went straight back to the Geek Squad and explained to the girl behind the counter that we had recently purchased a computer for my daughter that we were having troubles with, and while I was still working through those issues I wanted a computer for my son that would definitely NOT have any trouble. I didn’t care what the cost was, I wanted a computer that would be game and graphics intensive and would work when I set it up. I explained the problems I was already experiencing in great detail and asked the Geek Girl if she could please come with me to the display section. “Wait a minute,” she said, disappearing through the clear plastic flaps that seperates the counter area from the Geekroom. A few moments later, the master-geek came out. I never saw Geek-girl again. “How can I help you?” he asked. I took a deep breath, frustrated at how difficult it was to get any help the first time I asked for it, and began the story all over again.

When I finished, he nodded his head and said “First of all, all you have to do with your daughter’s computer is change the compatibility mode, I can show you how to do that, but meanwhile let me show you what you need. I’m a gamer myself and I run WoW, Crisis and anything I can get my hands on. You will love this computer.” He took us to the display area, explained why the computer he recommended was absolutely the best that Best Buy sold for gaming (It is a Gateway FX gaming computer and if you really care to know all the specs I’ll go upstairs and write them down). He recommended a monitor to go with it, helped me find a PCI wireless adapter for it and took us to the front for checkout. He spent a bit of time trying to convince me to buy a service plan for the monitor that cost about 25% of the total cost of the monitor (no thank you) and offered to help with my daughter’s computer. The master-geek had restored my faith in Best Buy. Maybe they do train some of their people.

We went home and set up the computer. We installed the wireless card and a few games we had on hand and everything worked. Victory. Master-geek was a hero. Then we tried to download the patches and updates for World of Warcraft. The download seemed slow so we went out to dinner for my son’s birthday, leaving the computer downloading. We went by Best Buy to return the wireless adapter for my daughter’s computer, but the store was closed. It was 8PM on a Sunday, I should have known.

The following day was Labor Day and the store was open, so my wife took the adapter with her when she went to the store and told her she needed a -G adapter, not an -N adapter. They sold her a -G wireless PCI card in place of her -N USB adapter. Sigh. My son and I had spent nearly seven hours trying to get the WoW patches to download and opening router ports, opening firewalls, doing everything we could think of. What we hadn’t thought of, until my wife brought home the wrong wireless adapter, was to check the wireless adapter speed. Master-geek had sold us the most basic version of PCI wireless card with minimal 1x transfer speed. The new, incorrect card was a 10X. We put my daughter’s card into my son’s computer and it worked like a charm. The Gateway is up and running with no issues.

The Hewlett Packard is another story. I spent hours and hours trying to change configurations, made two more trips to Best Buy to get the correct wireless adapter and appropriate software, but nothing works. The printer driver hangs up at 96%, the USB router adapter software won’t load, none of the programs we have work in ANY mode and the computer is basically a $1000.00 calculator. I would say that it is a word processor, but since I can’t print from it, I would have to move data on a thumb drive anytime my daughter wanted to print out her homework. I didn’t pay $1000.00 for an electronic paperweight.

This evening I took the computer back to Best Buy. The receipt says 30 day return or exchange. I brought all the paraphernalia and programs that wouldn’t load or run and went straight to the geek squad. A young geek behind the counter offered to help me fill out paperwork to get the computer examined. “I just bought it and it doesn’t work,” I said.

“What isn’t it doing?” he asked.

“Anything,” I said, “it is a piece of junk. This software works on other computers in my home but not this one. I just bought a computer here two days ago and it works fine.” (I didn’t relate my initial troubles with the other one). “I just want to get store credit for this piece of junk and I will buy another Gateway instead.”

“I’m sorry sir, we have a 14 day return policy,” he said.

“The receipt says 30 days,” I said.

“Wait here,” he said, disappearing through the plastic flap door into geekdom. Moments later he reappeared with a smug look on his face. “The second line on the back of your receipt clearly states computer returns are valid for 14 days.”

I looked. He was right. In tiny print in the second paragraph on the back of the receipt it clearly told me that I had 14 days to return the computer. Of course I wasn’t in the country during those 14 days, but that wasn’t their problem so I left that out.

“My wife has been here several times, as have I,” I said, “trying to straighten this out, and your geeks kept giving us advice on how to fix it.” He seemed hurt that I called his colleagues geeks. It says geek squad on the nametag on his shirt. He went through the flappy door to get his boss.

“Hi there sir, my name is Chief-geek, how can I help you?” He smiled a warm managerial smile.

I took ten minutes, now fairly fuming, to explain everything I had been through in my six or seven visits to Best Buy over the past few weeks, and that all I wanted was to hand over the electronic paperweight that had been sold to me so that I could buy a better, more efficient and frankly, WORKING computer. His smile vanished.

“All we can do is schedule your computer for an examination and see if there is anything wrong with it. Our return policy is 14 days.”

“I would have brought it back within the 14 days, but your employees kept telling me there was no real problem and all I had to do was change modes, or run as an administrator or…”

“You should have brought it back,” he kept saying.

“You could give me store credit and get even more money out of me, nearly $800 more, by selling me the other computer.”

“I can’t do that sir,” he said.

“I spend several thousand dollars a year in your store, but I will NEVER shop here again,” I said, not as a threat, but as a certainty. “This is the worst customer service I have ever seen.”

“Okay,” he said, not concerned in the least that Best Buy was losing a customer. “Did you want us to look at the computer? It is under service protection. We’ll have it back to you in 72 hours. What exactly is wrong with it?”

“What is wrong with it?” I asked. “It doesn’t work. It doesn’t run any programs, it won’t load any drivers, it can’t run the wireless router you sold me which incidentally is the third one you’ve sold me for this computer. It is a piece of JUNK!” Several other customers turned and looked at me and shook their heads sympathetically. They clearly had been where I was standing.

“Can you connect to the internet?” he asked.

“I just told you that it won’t load drivers for the wireless adapter,” I said, how on earth would I connect to the internet.

“When you plug a cable into the back of it, it doesn’t work?”

“A CABLE!?! I have a WIRELESS ROUTER! Why would I have a cable lying around my house? This computer does nothing, nothing, it is a piece of junk!”

“Well sir, we’ll certainly look at it and see if there is anything wrong,” he said condescendingly. “Please sign this paperwork certifying that you won’t hold Best Buy responsible for any data or media loss.”

“Data or media loss!?! How could there be any data or media loss? The computer doesn’t work. It hasn’t worked since I brought it home! There is no data on it because it has never been USED!”

“Please initial here sir, and sign here.”

“This is ridiculous,” I said. “I assure you that no matter what happens with this computer, I will NEVER EVER shop in a BEST BUY again.”

“We’ll call you in 72 hours about your computer. Have a nice day sir.” I knew that was Best Buy code for “How nice for you, which is of course code for other less pleasant expletives.”

I left the store. I will go back once to get my daughter’s computer, then I will never go back again. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, I will take it to a local hack shop and cut it up for parts. Maybe I can sell tickets to smash it and use the proceeds to buy her a new one. Anyone have the name of a reputable computer dealer with even modestly helpful customer service?

Nope. Venting did NOT work. My head is definitely going to explode.