“Top Banana”?! And “The Sneeze”

My grocery store chain is apparently having a promotion in which they send their valued customers mailers calling them “Top Bananas” (with a ridiculous cartoon banana dressed in clothing). We get a couple of coupons, as well as little cards to hand to “associates” who have made our shopping experience a pleasant one, which will go in those associates’ files.

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So what I want to know is–was the person who came up with this a former kindergarten teacher?! Did they really think such a campaign would a-peel (ha) to anyone over 4 years old? And the cards–they feel like giving people “gold stars”, which similarly makes me think of kindergarten. I feel sorry for the people whose raises now probably depend on people’s willingness to engage in this crappy promotion and hand out those stupid cards. If they gave me more than three I’d just give one to everyone who wasn’t actively an asshole. Heck, I’d give ’em stacks and tell ’em to go have fun. “Trade ’em with your friends!”

I feel embarrassed to be a customer there now. Would you really want to walk in with a free “top banana” reusable shopping bag (one of the bennies) every week? “Hi! I’m a Top Banana!” “Uhhh, good for you? (Honey, call the cops, quick.)”

So, word of advice: if you’re going to come up with a promotional program to appreciate or label your repeat customers with, pick something appropriate for someone who’s older than five, okay? Unless, of course, your customers are five years old.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that rant out of my system, I have to comment on a new blog/zine I’ve found: The Sneeze – Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions.

It. Is. Awesome. My husband and I both had insomnia for once last night, and I kept reading him excerpts of this blog. The thing kept me occupied until I was tired enough to sleep again, and then kept me busy again for a while this morning. Not for kids, but it’s freakin’ hilarious. Check out the Captain Avenger series, in which Steve’s City of Heroes toon utters such gems as this:

Then take a look at the Steve, don’t eat it! series, although definitely NOT while you’re eating. I honestly can’t pick a favorite, but that’s okay, because I’m not done reading it yet. Don’t skip the potted meat. The review of it, I mean–definitely skip it if someone offers you some.

Okay, never mind. I just got captivated reading more of those entries, and I now have a favorite, in which Steve brews “prison wine”:

I really don’t understand what could have gone wrong! I used moldy bread and socks, EXACTLY LIKE THE RECIPE SAID!

So, yeah. NSFW language, and SO much fun to read.

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